literature

Breath

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Dani-the-Naiad's avatar
Published:
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Literature Text

Your breath is liquorice and
ocean mist and
I can taste the salt.

My abdomen of tangled twine,
unraveled, edges frayed.
A tug, familiar, drawn from navel
twitch and writhe inside.
An angry pleasure, goosebump heaven
intake.
intake.
breathe.

Your breath is liquorice and
ocean mist and
I can taste the salt.
This morning I got up at 4:30 to teach. I teach English to Japanese (and other countries) through Skype. My student never showed and so an hour I went back to bed. But somehow my overactive and overtired brain wouldn't shut off and these words started floating around in my head.

I think I write best when I'm sleep deprived.

Note: I hope my spelling of breathe and breath is clear on my intent to pronounce the short "eh" sound for breath (the noun) and the long "ee" sound in breathe (the verb). Thanks.
Comments15
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Mr-Timeshadow's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

I have no nitpicks for this one, a rare occasion indeed. Usually, I have at least a suggestion for an alternate phrasing, even if nothing missed the mark, but I have none of these, either.
I did have to read this repeatedly to make sense of something you didn't insist had any sense to make. I will note that if this what you do while sleep-deprived, keep it up and don't operate heavy machinery or drive while writing poetry.
Let's do specifics: I love much of the phrasing, and the fact that you explore tactile and other senses instead of the usual visual or aural. The descriptions themselves, especially the bookend "Your breath is liquorice and / ocean mist and / I can taste the salt" is unique in my reading and instantly evocative. Or, more simply: "I can taste your poetry."
I also loved "abdomen of tangled twine", though I almost nitpicked your use of "edges"; wouldn't twine have "ends"? However, it did no harm to my enjoyment and you'd lose your meter, so it's far from a high priority.
"Goosebump heaven" is also a fine line. I nicked a half-star each from originality and technique only because writing about your presence in bed is not 100% new and the reference to "salt" is also a more familiar element, but that was nasty as I got with this poem. Nice work!